Saturday, May 17, 2003

I've always said these things were gay and stupid, but I always kind of wanted to do one anyway. I was lying. I'm done lying. I have an online journal now. I'm pretty effeminate sometimes. The End. Fuck you.

I am hungover. I was talking to a friend last night, who claimed that his new mantra was that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he suggested that I take up that mantra. Well, I guess I did, at least for a night, and I drove home drunk off my ass and completely fucked up my car. That's what I wanted to do, minus fucking up the car. I drove without a tire for way, way, too long because I was afraid of getting out of the car to fix it. I left the people I drove to my friend's house at the house, and I'm pretty sure I just left there without telling anyone I was leaving, which was stupid, because if they'd been in their right minds, they wouldn't have let me drive. Maybe that's why I didn't tell them. I have no idea. But I could have died. I was really fucked up. Even more likely, I could have been arrested. If a single cop had seen me driving like that, I would have gotten pulled over instantly, and I'm sure I'd drank enough to get put in jail for a decent amount of time, especially being underage. So in the second that I woke up this morning, I realized I'd gone from mild-to-moderate fucking-up-my-life to relatively serious fucking-up-my-life, and I'm pretty scared.

I guess the first thing to do is stop drinking. From here on out, what I want to do is stop drinking. Fuck anyone who ever tells me to drink. I really can't think of a good reason why anyone who was really my friend would do that. The same friend that had the new mantra also came up with the best reasoning for why he went to class that I've ever heard - because at the end of the day, it just didn't matter. And it's true. Working for eight hours a day doesn't really matter as long as you're not doing it at the time and you aren't dreading it. I like the philosophy. But the truth is that the same can be applied to drinking. There's no doubt that it's harmful for me, and in the morning, even though you had fun the previous night, the only thing you really retain from it is the calories and the hangover. And for me, it's especially bad, because aside from seeing my girlfriend, hanging out all of my friends is really one of the few pleasures that I have. Not that my girlfriend isn't my friend, but she's my girlfriend, and thus in a different category. Whatever. All it means is that I really have a hard time having a good time when I'm by myself, and I'm really not sure that my friends and I can have a good time without getting fucked up. I don't even know if I can remember the last time that happened. I'd never really cared, I justified it by saying it's normal (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, probably not), but it worries me.

Drinking cures all bad feelings of any sort, usually. I can be anxious or depressed about something that's legitimately bothering me, like not having a job or just being a burnout loser in general, and drinking fixes it, at least temporarily. And it's as if knowing that at some point drinking will fix it makes it seem okay that I'm anxious at the time. At least I can drink later. Why ever fix anything? I'll be drunk at some point and it won't matter then. I think having that crutch is pretty bad for me. Because maybe for my friend, being drunk all the time is all he wants to do. I don't really believe him, to be honest, but if it's true, I have no problem with that on any sort of moral level. I really envy anyone who knows that they want in life. For me, though, waking up after a night of drinking is terrible, even aside from the hangover (side note: Ow). I guess the closest feeling to it for me is that feeling you get after masturbating. It's just like, "Why did I waste my time doing that? Yeah, it was fun, but it didn't really improve anything in the long run, and it was pretty fucking goofy-looking." I don't know if girls get that feeling after masturbating. For anyone that can't relate, sorry, and even for those that can relate, sorry for the mental picture. If you didn't have the mental picture until just then, sorry to you, too.

So, yeah, I don't really think I need any more reasoning here. I am done drinking. It is not what I want to do anymore. Thanks in advance to anyone that supports me. 
  How I got here. 
I don't know what this is.

May 2003 /

Powered by Blogger